Well, the satirical newspaper The Snowdown Sneer returned this year with its expected razor-sharp wit and snarky satire. Yes, you’re a funny bunch, even if you’re part of some secret society of writers with bizarre and embarrassing initiation rites.
Who are you people?
But, I must say, your “Peace, Love and Snowdown” edition goes too far. The first offense is that you stiffed us here at The Durango Herald.
Had we been invited to contribute, we would have shared our gravity-defying, swirly solution for Malfunction Junction, the intersection of Florida Road, East Third Avenue and 15th Street, which earned the grade of “F” from the Colorado Department of Transportation.
Our design is an engineering marvel for this infamous intersection of near accidents and parental freak-outs, while teaching teens to drive. Our plans are so sophisticated, so stylish, fantastical and avant-garde, CDOT doesn’t even have a name for it. In fact, CDOT is speechless.
Thought zipper merge sounded cool? That’s nothing. Our roadway plans will inspire a term never before spilled from lips.
We’ll offer one hint. Imagine a soft serve ice cream, with its curves and shapes. Don’t discount that little curlicue on top.
Some say, “Safety first.” We’ll say something else.
At a future date, we may share our Malfunction Junction fix. But not now. Our feelings are bruised.
To add to the indignation of not including us, we’re calling out The Sneer on its casual cruelty in the treatment of mimes. It’s inhumane to hire mimes to go door-to-door to mimic exploding fireworks for Fourth of July 2024.
Don’t you know mimes are a protected class? Ever heard of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion?
Yea, didn’t think so.
Your planned discriminatory actions will likely bring a class-action lawsuit. And a lot of mimes.
That is, after they locate your hideout newsroom. Their white faces – some with painted teardrops – and their exacting white-gloved hand movements, will fill your windows and doorframes. Then, in unison, they’ll mime opening those windows and doors. Like mimes do. It will be frightening.
But c’mon. Just because Durangoans fell asleep during that dud of a drone show in 2023 doesn’t give you the right to bring mimes into this. Dispatching them throughout our city is downright dangerous. They’ll be ridiculed, jumped and beaten up.
Even more worrisome. Mimes will be trampled alive by Durangoans heading en masse to Bayfield, Mancos, Towaoc, Dove Creek or Cortez for real Fourth of July fireworks shows. In Cortez alone at the last celebration, gas bombs – also known by that incendiary name of super nukes – were out of this world.
No offense to mimes, but who can upstage a gas bomb?
Durango will empty. In fact, we’ll need contraflow with all roads leading out, like in places where hurricanes are bearing down.
Something else about mimes. You can’t reason with them. And they’ll scare the little ones.
Another point of contention is directed toward Editorial Page Editor Noah Pinyon. It’s a professional courtesy to ask before lifting our Opinion page logo. (Going easy here rather than saying stealing.) Had we been included in The Sneer, we may have let you borrow it. But that ship has sailed.
And, jeez. Bringing a “Puppy Pen” into City Council Chambers? Did anyone ask the puppies how they felt about this? Our lovable, furry friends don’t deserve this torture. We already have traumatized dogs at shelters throughout the Southwest.
Have you checked the science and data on what happens to innocent animals after being exposed to Council meetings? How about executive sessions?
Yep, once again. I didn’t think so.
The mime idea was bad enough. But puppies? That’s animal abuse.
Page after page, the insults, the insensitivities just keep coming.
Oh, wait. Hold on. On Page 7, under “Tomorrow’s headlines today,” I see, “Sneer buys The Durango Herald.” Interesting.
Hmm. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. I guess I’ll be working soon with The Sneer team after all.
Ann Marie Swan is Opinion Editor at The Durango Herald and The Journal in Cortez.
