Maybe I’m destined for cycles of deep depression. I’ve just come out of another that left me drained of any hope. The new drug cocktail I’m taking now might be the magic bullet. I pray so.
These last few days I feel really good and look forward to coming events, including being with friends. I hardly notice my dementia and I even feel happy for no apparent reason.
I also feel apprehensive about how long this will last; if I will fall into another depression that leaves me focused on dying.
When I’m depressed, I think about ending my life by not eating or drinking. That might not be too hard to do because when I’m depressed, I have no appetite whatsoever for food or fluid. I spend hours pondering the point of living longer and just lie in bed half-asleep, day in and day out, completely fatigued.
I lost 20 pounds during my last two depressions, in spite of my husband pleading with me to eat a few bites. I declined invitations from my friends. I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than lying in bed. My brain functioned very badly and I was convinced I had reached the next stage of Alzheimer’s.
These depressions began a few month after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. Up to that point I had prided myself on my positive disposition. I believed I had been born with happy genes. I confess to having too little empathy for those who suffered from depression. I learned the hard way that clinical depression is an illness that needs medical care.
A friend encouraged me to write about my recovery because it might offer hope for others who suffer from depression. I was lucky to have a medical care taker who stuck with me, and was willing to try new drugs and combinations until we found something that worked for me.
Tuesday was a beautiful summer day. My plan was to catch up with a friend, take a hike, go up to Hillcrest Golf Course to watch the golf tournament. I’ll talk with our children and grandchildren, tend to our deck plants, and cook a nice meal to share with my husband.
Kim Martin splits her time between Hesperus and Durango, and is a former instructor of Asian history, writing and comparative cultures at Fort Lewis College. She shares her journey after an Alzheimer’s diagnosis in occasional guest columns.
