The 2019 Trump State of the Union takes place at the Clemson University stadium in South Carolina, on a stage in the end zone.Isn’t this terrific? This is terrific.
I would so much prefer to be here with real Americans tonight – isn’t that right? You’re real Americans. Look at you. Beautiful crowd. You look real to me.
I’m here because Naaaaaancy Pelosi ... and little Chucky Schumer ... won’t LET the PRESIDENT of the Uniiiiited States – your president – address THEIR Congress.
But that’s OK, that’s OK ... because I’d rather be here with you tonight in beautiful South Carolina. I love South Carolina.
(Throws paper towels to the crowd, crowd goes wild.)
Look who’s here. It’s Gov. Henry McMaster.
(McMaster emerges from behind the stage, wearing a MAGA cap, waves.)
OK, OK, that’s enough, Henry. You know, he’s only the governor because of me. Nikki Haley was governor and Henry was lieutenant governor, and Henry got down on his knees and asked me to make Nikki the U.N. ambassador.
So, the State of the Union.
Is it fair that you can’t hear YOUR president in YOUR Congress delivering the great State of the Union? I’ll tell you who knows about fair, look who’s here, it’s Brett Kavanaugh!
(Kavanaugh ducks out from behind the stage, wearing a MAGA hat, waves.)
OK, that’s enough, Brett ... I wanted him to wear the robe, right? But he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it.
When I had your football team to the White House – go Tigers (cheers) – I bought them McDonald’s and Wendy’s (cheers) – great American food. But the Democrats said, oh, noooo, fast food is bad. (boos) They think I should have given them KALE. What is that? Some LEAF.
So tonight – if you look way back there, we have a State of the Union treat.
(At the far end of the field, several trucks unload tens of thousands of Big Macs and Wendy’s doubles.)
Eat up, eat up! We have plenty. And no kale!
Look at Jim Acosta back there. He’s the only one in this stadium who’s not smiling. Do you know why? Because he doesn’t love America. CNN can’t get enough of me – and Jim can’t wait to go back to the studio and say he was scared by beautiful Americans. Hey sourpuss! Lighten up.
Maybe we should show Jim how we have a good time.
(Hundreds of people pelt Acosta with Big Macs. One strikes him squarely in the forehead. Special Sauce runs down his face.)
Hey Jim! You look good like that.
So how is the union? I’m supposed to say how it is.
The union is great.
Now, I’m not saying it couldn’t be better. We have thousands of women in blue tape coming across our southern border. No one knows why.
Maybe Nancy Pelosi knows. Maybe she’ll have time to figure it out while she’s flying commercial to Afghanistan on her secret vacation.
I booked her in economy. Back by the toilets. Very nice toilets.
I invited her here tonight. I told her she could find her own way. I don’t think she knows where South Carolina is.
That’s a shame. Because ... we have McFlurrys for dessert!
They don’t feed you like this in Congress.
My union is the best.